


Tipping Point

by obsessivepropulsive



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, THE ENDING WILL BE HAPPY I PROMISE, There's a lot of blood sorry, a lot of arguing, but not in the usual cute fic way, but there is a happy ending, i just realized i completely forgot to include finn, just a hint of smut, kind of cannon compliant but probably not, kylo realizes the way to rey's heart is through her stomach, much more angsty than i intended it to be, oh well, so use your imagination, someone loses a hand, they pretty much just bypassed the whole friends stage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-06-23 20:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15614427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivepropulsive/pseuds/obsessivepropulsive
Summary: tipping point (n.) - the point at which a series of small changes or incidents becomes significant enough to cause a larger, more important changeor, 300 arguments and a happy ending.Noticing the hollows in her cheeks and the thinness of her arms for the first time, he couldn’t stop the bitterness flooding from him. “This wouldn’t be happening if you had just agreed to join me on the Supremacy. You would be fed with the First Order. I could take care-“Rey cut him off with bitter laughter. “The First Order, Kylo? The First Order is the reason we have no food! Who do you think is staging the blockade on our supplies? They are literally starving us to death under your nose. But it’s no worse than I’ve ever experienced before. I went far longer without food on Jakku. But you already know that.” She looked at him with a smirk, one eyebrow raised in expectation.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i'm giving this a try after many, many years of not writing. clearly i am making no promises here. also, this was supposed to be a quick one shot that completely got out of hand, so good luck.
> 
> i would also like to send my sincerest thanks to my beta for this, [monsterleadmehome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterleadmehome/pseuds/monsterleadmehome), who is an amazing writer and a very patient friend. SHE ALSO MADE ME THIS AMAZING MOODBOARD THAT I HAVE ADDED! <3 <3 <3 
> 
> i also made about nine million changes after she read it, so all mistakes at this point are on me.

 

 

She was crying.

That’s not what bothered him – Kylo had heard her cry more times than he cared to admit after Crait. Rey had only kept the bond closed for a day or two, he supposed as some intended punishment. Then came the arguments, and the yelling, and eventually the tears and whispers through their bond.

_Why wouldn’t he leave the First Order?_

_Why wouldn’t he come to her?_

_How could he not see this was_ **not** _the way things were supposed to be, the way she had seen their_ _future?_

He had had countless opportunities and endless reasons in his thirty years to feel like a monster. Tense conversations that were too loud, even behind closed doors, confirmed his suspicions at first. Things no child should ever hear coming from the lips of their parents. But other chances to prove what he truly was came soon enough – the arguments with other students, the fighting with Luke – the _anger_ , white-hot, fierce and threatening to burn him down from the inside out.

He has no doubts why Snoke sought him out. The destruction he had wrought for his master, the death and the pain in exchange for some semblance of control, is more than enough to earn him the title of a monster to the rest of the galaxy.

But hearing her cry for the first time, sobbing forlornly _because of him_ – he realized he had never truly felt like a monster until that moment. How could she not understand? If he gave this up now, he would be more of a monster than before. All of the sacrifice, all of the death, even – no, he _will not_ think about his father – would have been for _nothing._

But now -  these tears, these were different. After their last fight, she had closed the bond. _“For good!”_ she had screamed, her beautiful face twisted with hate. Kylo hadn’t heard from her in at least two months.

And now – suddenly he felt her – weak and in pain. Her force signature was dim and felt frayed and faded. Something wasn’t right. Realization dawned on him that she could be injured, and panicked, he leaned in to find her lying on a bare bed in the base, sobbing and curled upon herself. His stomach dropped and a wave of nausea hit him. He immediately scanned her body, seeing no injury, finding no blood, and feeling a surge of relief flood his shocked system. But he still felt the pain coming off of her in waves, low, throbbing, and settling…in her stomach?

 _She’s hungry_ , he realized with a jolt.

So hungry, for so long, that lack of food had left her weak – too weak to continue holding up the walls that kept him closed off. Feeling his surprise ripple through the bond, Rey turned to him, eyes blazing. “Leave. Me. Alone!” she hissed, mustering up every ounce of defiance she could manage.

“I will not,” he responded calmly, approaching her bed. Then, with a sudden flare of anger that surprised her, he spat out, “You’re starving! Why are they not feeding you?”

Her response was flat, emotionless – “We haven’t had anything to eat for weeks now. The food ran out first, then the ration packs a week ago.” He could still see the proudness in her hazel eyes, but they were dim and muted, like the color across her sallow skin.

Noticing the hollows in her cheeks and the thinness of her arms for the first time, he couldn’t stop the bitterness flooding from him. “This wouldn’t be happening if you had just agreed to join me on the Supremacy. You would be fed with the First Order. I could take care-“

Rey cut him off with bitter laughter. “The First Order, Kylo? The First Order is the reason we have no food! Who do you think is staging the blockade on our supplies? They are literally starving us to death under your nose. But it’s no worse than I’ve ever experienced before. I went far longer without food on Jakku. But you already know that.” She looked at him with a smirk, one eyebrow raised in expectation.

As his fists tightened and his jaw clenched, she felt a sudden and strong wave of anger emanate from him. Hands shaking, he raked them aggressively through his hair, pushing back locks that seemed longer and more unkempt than she had ever seen them before. She couldn’t help notice the dark shadows that haunted his eyes, now glowing with a fire she had never seen before. She automatically assumed he was furious at her, and braced herself for the explosion that was sure to follow. However, the anger was quickly replaced by a new emotion, even stronger than the rage.

 _Guilt,_ more bitter and despondent than she had ever felt, followed by a torturous, throbbing feeling.

 _Shame,_ she realized. And suddenly, with a sigh, he had turned, closing the bond and leaving her alone with her hunger.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

Rey was awakened by yelling the next morning. Instincts in full swing and running on pure adrenaline, she grabbed her staff and ran into the hallway to find Poe, grinning like an idiot. “What in the force is going on?” she demanded, grabbing his arm.

“Food!” Poe exclaimed breathlessly, hair flopping in his eyes. And then giggling like a child, he yelled it again - “FOOD!” Rey turned, rushing down the corridor to the loading area. What she saw left her breathless.

It was Maz Kanata. And a whole shipload of food. Boxes of food. Boxes and boxes and boxes of food being unloaded into the base by some of her men. Leia stood beside her, dumbfounded, mouth gaping open in an undignified manner that Rey wasn’t accustomed to from this proud woman. “I don’t understand?” the general managed to spit out at no one in particular.  

Maz just laughed, her chuckle low and soothing, laden with knowledge. “A generous benefactor,” she explained, “who wishes to remain anonymous, and has the financial means to circumnavigate the blockade. The order was put in late last night, with the demand that it is be delivered immediately. Please don’t ask any questions – I can’t answer them. But I can tell you I have direct orders to continue shipments as you need them. I have been instructed that no one on this base is to go hungry.”

Leia couldn’t stifle the surprised grin that spread across her face, and turned to Rey, embracing her in a hug that Rey felt down to her core. Over the general’s shoulder, Maz shot Rey a knowing look, followed by a wink and a smile as the tiny woman boarded her ship to leave.

 

\----------------------------------------------

 

“It was you, wasn’t it?” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them the second he appeared before her that night.

“What was me?” he smirked dryly.

“You sent us food. You sent _me_ food. I don’t know how you did it, and I don’t know _why_ you did it, but I know it was you” she insisted.

“You _really_ don’t know why I did it?” he demanded, betraying himself, “You thought I would let you go hungry? You thought I wouldn’t help you?” The look of dismay that crossed his face not only confused her, but left her with a lingering feeling of shame.

She felt the sudden ridiculous need to explain herself to him. “But we’re enemies! Or…something like enemies. _You_ are the one who tried to kill _me_ on the Falcon!”

“What in the force are you talking about?”

“After I left you on the _Supremacy_ , I took the _Falcon_ to Crait with Chewie. I was trying to protect my friends. Like I asked you to help me do. You nearly blew me out of the sky!” Her voice was raised and shrill, her finger jabbing at the air in his direction.

“I...I didn’t know you were in there,” he stammered, face ashen. “It didn’t even occur to me. I was so angry. I lost control. I have never purposefully hurt you. I knew you were important from the first moment I saw you in the forest.”

Rey wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh, or throw the book she was holding at his head. Or maybe both. “The forest that you had your stormtroopers drag me from to your ship? That’s how you treat someone you deem important?”

“I didn’t,” he whispered.

“You didn’t what?”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I didn’t let the stormtroopers touch you. I carried you.”

“You threw me over your shoulder and carried me off?!?!” She tried to take a deep breath and calm herself. If her voice got any louder, she knew she would have someone knocking on her door.

“No, I carried you in my arms.” A flush had spread across his cheeks. His eyes were focused so intently on the toes of his boots he almost missed the drop of her jaw. _Is she shocked or angry?_ he wondered. He sincerely hoped the former. Unfortunately for him, he was very wrong.

“YOU KRIFFING NERFHERDER!!!” He nearly winced from the familiarity in her tone. She had been spending entirely too much time around his mother. “I thought _you_ were important. I came to you. I tried to turn you back to the light, to save you from yourself. I believed in you, but it wasn’t enough. I won’t make that mistake again.”

His jaw worked nervously as he tried to summon the words to explain to her what he had intended to tell her that day. The plans he had for them, together. What he had seen when he touched her hand.

But she wasn’t finished. “Also, Kylo, you do realize that you have, for all purposes, committed treason against the First Order? Hux would have you overthrown and killed.” Of course it occurred to her that she shouldn’t care, that if he wanted to dig his own grave, then that was his problem. But she found herself confused by the internal conflict the last thought inspired.  

“I know,” he replied, with uncharacteristic softness. “But I had to help you. You needed me”

Taken aback by his sudden open honesty, she looked up to thank him, but he was already gone.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

Things were different after that.

Rey left the bond open, more out of curiosity than anything else, but was still careful to keep her thoughts guarded. She _certainly_ didn’t trust him. If she was completely honest with herself, she was genuinely confused to be on the receiving end of such an act of kindness from Kylo.

True, she had seen the goodness that Ben Solo was capable of, both now and in his future. However, that had been when she thought he might choose her over power. When she had stared in his eyes, realizing he had betrayed that monster to protect her. When she had known what it was like to fight with him at her back, strong and fierce in a way that thrilled her to her core. And _before_ he had offered her the galaxy, the kriffing idiot, when all she wanted was his gloveless hand wrapped in hers.

 _No,_ she reassured herself, _he made his choice, and all the food in the world wouldn’t convince her otherwise._

With a frustrated sigh, she set to work on the task in front of her, in gray and black fragments spread across her work bench. She had been staring at the lightsaber for hours.

It had become a familiar routine for the past several days. Disassemble a few pieces, then stare at it a little more. Add those pieces back, rearranged in a new way, then for good measure, a little more staring. And when it didn’t work ( _because of course it never worked_ ), she would start the cycle all over again.

Of course, none of the Jedi texts she had managed to take from Ahch-To were any help, and even Rose was mystified by the inner workings of the old saber. Leia had explained to Rey, in a tight, clipped whisper one evening, just who the builder of the saber had been. Staring at the pile in front of her, Rey had started to wonder if the weapon had ended up as cursed as its master.

Rey was so engrossed in her latest round of tinkering she didn’t even notice him the first time the bond reconnected them. Kylo cleared his throat awkwardly, alerting her to his presence.

She glanced back his way, noting that he still looked as unkempt and sullen as ever, before turning back to her work. She considered acknowledging him, but decided against it - she was feeling tolerant, not forgiving.

He was the first to break the silence - “That’s my lightsaber.” The statement was factual in tone, but she could hear the subtle undercurrent of possession and frustration in his words.

“ _My_ saber,” she corrected. Seeing his brow knit in frustration, she decided to push her luck a little further. “I like to think of it as my parting gift. The only reward I got for my trouble on the _Supremacy_ ,” she stated cooly.

She _felt_ his eyes roll through the bond first. Then she sensed the flames of anger begin to lick up, and waited for the man in front of her to explode. She had seen what he was capable of when he let rage, fueled by fear and failure, take over. _Would he try to run her through, like he had with Luke, or had he learned his lesson on Crait?_ She was amused at the thought of him even trying.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his hands clench and open and his eyes slowly close. She heard him take several deep breaths, and then in a calm, measured tone - “Let me help you.”

 _“Help me?”_ Rey didn’t even attempt to hide her shock, and she felt a whisper of his amusement ripple over the bond.

“You heard me,” was his only response.

“Please explain to me then,” she huffed, blowing her hair out of her eyes, “How a dark warrior like you has the skill or the desire to help repair a lightsaber that now belongs to his enemy.”

Kylo flinched, ever so slightly, at the last word. Again, his voice had a level of control and precision to it that was honestly beginning to make Rey suspicious.

“First, you are forgetting that I created my own saber as a Jedi padawan - and I was quite skilled at it, if you must know.”

Now Rey thought _her_ eyes might roll out of the back of her head.

“And second,” he continued, “It’s not right for a force user to be without their weapon. We will meet again, and I want it to be a fair fight. You obviously can’t take care of this yourself. Let me help you. You need me.”

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

Eventually, she caved in and let him help. He knew she would. Not because she trusted him, but just out of raw curiosity to figure out how the kriffing thing went together.

The look on her face when the blue blade leapt back to life for the first time - he wasn’t sure, but he thought he felt the tug of a smile at the corner of his lips. _Force, what was this scavenger doing to him?_ He shook his head, willing the memory of her infectious grin away.

He might be a killer, but he couldn’t bear to think of her starving. Sending the food had been an act of mercy. Repairing the lightsaber...well that was just a point of honor. She was his equal in the force, and he wanted his victory over her to be well-deserved

He was no coward. Besides, he wanted his grandfather’s saber in one functioning piece when he brought it, brought _her_ , back to his ship with him. She would see the purpose in his plan, she would finally understand the sacrifices he had made - maybe she would once again see him as less of a monster and more of a man. He had seen it when he touched her hand - her coming to him, helping him, standing by his side in a way that no one in his life ever had. He knew it was her from the moment he saw her in the forest of Takodana. He just had to make _her_ see it, too.

Then, she would trust him. _Trust_. That was the reason he offered to train her after the saber was mended - to gain her trust. Obviously, she was unsure at first, but once she realized that her limited training with Luke could only accomplish so much,  and a saber was only as effective as the hands that held it, she relented.

Her training was simple - nothing like it had been with Luke. No speeches of restraint and balance came from Kylo through the bond. It was all footwork, lunges, and forms. He was an aggressive and efficient fighter, concerned very little with grace or control. He knew he was relentless, but he felt surprised by the patience he managed to pull to the surface for her, despite Rey’s prickly demeanor towards him.

It was obvious she was still angry with him. He went to great lengths not to touch her, not to invade her space abruptly. The temporary truce they had brokered was delicate - Kylo knew it wouldn’t take much to destroy it - and he desperately wanted to earn her faith. It was simply strategic, he reminded himself, but somehow he felt himself peering into her eyes while sparring, looking for a shadow of the warmth he saw there when they touched hands in the hut.  

They started by training whenever the force happened to connect them, but they noticed the more they trained together, the stronger the bond grew. It was only a matter of weeks before they found themselves able to manipulate their bond at will.

It started with a thread, small, slight and red, of all colors. They began to see it when they focused, eyes closed,  thinking of the other. It was Rey of course, who swallowed her curiosity and tugged on it first, hesitantly. It was in that moment, as she snorted with laughter from a jumbled heap on the floor of his quarters, they realized they could control it.  

Obviously, they had to establish some formalities. It was also Rey, with a slight flush across her cheeks, that suggested they develop a system of knocking to prevent any uncomfortable situations from occuring. The way her eyes flashed to his chest surreptitiously gave him a clear idea of exactly what she was referencing.

He obviously agreed with her, despite the confusing disappointment he felt ripple through him. _Of course she wouldn’t want you to see her like that_ , he chided himself, _she is just finally comfortable with you touching her during training sessions_ _._ _You gave up the chance to touch her again when you decided that having control was more important than having her hand._

 

\------------------------------------------------

 

Rey was painfully aware _she_ was the one who had insisted on caution with the bond.

 _What else was she supposed to do?_ Now that she knew what his skin felt like, rough calloused fingertips grazing hers. The press of his chest - _his enormous chest -_ against hers when he insisted she yield during training. The agreement was a matter of self-preservation on her part.

Yet here she was, ignoring their rules, pushing through the bond as quickly as she could, because she _needed_ to see him first.

She realized she was too late the moment she saw him, sitting on the floor against the wall of his quarters, head in his hands tucked between his knees. She knew he had been crying before he even raised his head, but it still surprised her somehow to see his tears for the first time, tracing lines down his strained face.

 _He knows already._ _He knows that his mother is dead._

Kylo immediately let out a strangled sob, and Rey realized she must have dropped her mental shields, giving him a clear window into her panicked thoughts. Her eyes flicked to his - red, swollen and full of immeasurable pain. She faltered for a second, not sure what to do, when her decision was made for her.

“Rey,” he croaked, peering up at her with a look of raw desperation. In that moment, she forgot about the First Order and the Resistance, forgot that he was a monster, because suddenly, she found herself using a name she never thought she would again - “Oh, Ben.”

He  leaned in with a groan as she wrapped her slender arms around his shaking frame. “I felt it as soon as it happened,” he rasped, “I felt her force signature fade. I knew.”

“It was peaceful,” Rey offered softly, pulling him closer. “I was there with her. I held her hand in her last moments.”

“I’m glad she had you, but it should have been me. She deserved to have her son by her side,” he whispered, eyes and fists both clenched tightly. “She died believing I hated her. She may have made her mistakes in life, but I will never be able to forgive myself for this one.”

“I told her about the food.”

It was a whisper, a small offering from her desperate lips, and he jerked his head up with a look of utter bewilderment.

“What did you just say?”

“I told her,” she responded, louder now, but with eyes that were hesitant to meet his. “I told her about everything. The food, the saber, the training. I even told her about what happened on the _Supremacy_ , how you betrayed Snoke to spare my life.”

Kylo swallowed slowly, taking a deep breath as if the next words were painful to get out. “What did she do?”

“Well, she cried. We both cried.” She looked down, suddenly embarrassed, and began fiddling with the hem of her tunic. “And then she told me she knew you weren’t really gone. Not for good. She had held on to hope that you would return - to um… ‘save yourself’ is the way she put it. She said...she said she was proud of you. She was proud of the man you were becoming. And that...well that...Han would be, too.”

She glanced up at him tentatively, searching his face for a sign. Waiting for that familiar flash of anger to flare from his side of the bond at the mention of his father. But it never came. His eyes were bleary and unfocused, staring at the wall on the other side of the room like it held the secrets to the galaxy. The only emotion she could sense from him now was pure exhaustion.

“You need to sleep” Rey insisted, pushing his hair back from his eyes.

“No. I’m fine.”

“But you’re exhausted!” she huffed. “You haven’t slept in days, have you?”

“No.”

He looked like a sullen child, and Rey might have laughed in better circumstances. “So you can’t fall asleep? Go get a sleep patch from the med bay - I’m sure the First Order has..”

“That’s not the problem.”

The floor they were still sitting on was cold, Rey’s back was beginning to get stiff, and she felt the sudden desire to smack him with the solid end of her saber. She realized her hands were still on his arms. _Why were they still on his arms?_  “Listen, I’m trying to be patient here, but…”

“I don’t sleep because of what I see.”

Rey grabbed tighter to his arms as the first blast hit her. Disoriented, she realized he had lowered his guard on his side of the bond. It was overwhelming, the fear and despair flooding in for the first time, and as he pressed his head to her chest, eyes shut tight, she felt a pang of sympathy and protectiveness bloom within her where his head rested.

Steeling herself, she leaned into the rush, finding flashes within that terrified her.

“Nightmares,” he whispered.

There were some where she killed him, eyes blazing as she finished the job she started on Starkiller. In some, he killed her, sinking to his knees and clutching her body to his chest, wailing in agony. And others, where neither of them managed to survive, staring at one another as the light faded from their eyes.

“Ben, no,” she cried in protest.

And suddenly, the violent images ceased, replaced by calm silence.

“And the dreams.”

Rey didn’t understand why the timbre in his voice had dropped. And then suddenly, she did. The dreams were pieces - flashes - but it was always the two of them. Small white teeth nipping at a full bottom lip with a groan. Kisses that trailed down curves and dipped into hidden spots. Impossibly large hands gripping a smaller waist desperately. The push of skin against skin, his pale expanse a beautiful contrast to her tan limbs wrapped around him. And, strongest of all, a feeling of wholeness. A feeling of peace and contentment that neither one of them had experienced in this lifetime.

Rey pulled back, gasping. He was sitting upright now, staring into her eyes with an intensity she hadn’t seen since he asked her to join him, the bodies of their enemies scattered around them.

“I don’t know which haunts me more,” he said tenderly, “the nightmares that I fear will become our fate, or the dreams that I know will never become my reality. You were right not to accept what I offered you. It was selfish of me to even ask, to try to bind you in your beautiful light to a monster like me.”

“I thought,” he continued, his voice cracking, “I thought that if I could convince you to stay with me, I could finally have peace. That maybe we could save each other from loneliness. My mother was right, though. I am the only one who can save myself.”

“I have been depending on others to save me for too long now. I have sacrificed every shred of humanity I had left for a cause I don’t even believe in. My desire to control my future was the only thing that has kept me from the destiny I now know could have been mine. My actions forfeited my right to you before I even understood your light existed. When we meet in our next life, I _will be_ the man that you deserve.”

Kylo leaned down, pressing a slow kiss to her forehead. As he looked at her, a shy grin spread across his face. _Stars, he’s beautiful when he smiles. Why doesn’t he do that more?_ The silly thought tumbled out of her shocked brain before she even had the sense to reel it back in.

Then, he was gone. She felt the burn of his kiss on her forehead as she cried herself to sleep.

 

\----------------------------------------

 

Rey felt it before Poe rushed in the door, breathless and in shock.

It started as a wave of resolve from Ben’s side of the bond, followed by panic, strong and fierce, ending in resounding pain that knocked her from the chair she was sitting on before it abruptly ended.

Terrified, she called out through the bond to him, tugging desperately on the thread that connected them, but was greeted with nothing in response. That meant, she realized with a sinking feeling, either he was shutting her out, or… _he was gone_. She rolled over on her back, swallowing back the tears that had begun to push from behind her eyes at the last thought.

When Poe burst into her room and found her lying on the floor, he had barely uttered a confused, “Are you okay?” before hoisting her up and dragging her down the hallway to the communications room.

The room was full – _was everybody on the whole kriffing base in there?_ – and Rey found her way to Rose’s side. Looking at the face of her friend, she saw pensive eyes glued on the holo in front of her.

“It’s a transmission from one First Order ship to another,” Rose whispered out of the side of her mouth, “we intercepted it a few moments ago. There’s been some kind of mutiny? From the sound of it, Kylo Ren completely lost his mind and killed most of his generals – even that bastard Hux. The _Supremacy_ was completely destroyed, along with most of the other large ships.”

Stunned, Rey turned to take in the holo for herself. Her eyes didn’t even register the uniformed figure in the transmission as she heard his panicked voice explain, “…and after the severity of the explosion, we are assuming that Kylo Ren should be considered dead.” Rey’s stomach lurched as her legs gave way and she slowly sank to the cool floor.

 _Dead. That explained the panic and the pain_ , she thought. _But the resolve?_ _Oh, force,_ she thought – _he_ **had** _staged a mutiny_. A one-man suicide mission to take down the First Order for good.

It horrified her a little that the first emotion she felt swell in her chest was pride. Pride for Ben, for the man he had become – the man she knew he truly was. The pride was quickly replaced with waves of sadness and despair. Despair that the only other woman who held out hope for Ben wasn’t here to see his light. Despair that Ben died alone – scared and in pain. But most of all, despair for the man that she lost.

 _That_ **she** _lost,_ she realized with a start. He had always belonged to her as much as she had belonged to him, and she felt a knot tighten in her chest as she considered all that she would be missing  – a friend, an equal, and a future where she knew she would never be lonely again. It was too much – too much process, too much to understand, too much to hold inside.

 

\------------------------------------------------

 

As she stumbled back to her room, ignoring the confused calls of Rose behind her, and the cheers of the room beyond, she felt the tears begin to streak trails down her cheeks. _You shouldn’t be surprised,_ she reminded herself, _you saw his call to the light when you touched hands._

 _But it wasn’t supposed to be like this._ In her vision, she came to his aid, sharing the burden with him. She knew he could do it without her, but in her future he didn’t have to.  She was his helper - _his other_ \- just as he would be hers. She had known the moment she pushed into his mind on _Starkiller_ and looked into his eyes as they fought across the snow-covered forest. She had dreamt of the whisper of him for years, before they even met. Her comfort in the lonely desert nights - her belonging.  

She sank onto her bed, closing her eyes to the haunting images of the life she never knew she would miss. A shared bed. A warm home. A small boy with shaggy dark hair…

_Rey._

It was a whisper, and the first time she heard it, Rey discounted it as a sad remnant, part of the fantasy movie playing in her head.

_Rey, sweetheart, please._

It came again, still quiet, but so firm.

 _Ben?_ Before she could stop it, she felt a small sliver of hope bloom in her chest.

The response was a deluge of images. Flashes of a green forest. Calm blue water. A stone room, buzzing with activity and smelling of bacta patches. A familiar round wrinkly face, peering down through thick glasses and shaking her head, crooning a name in a mournful tone - “Ben Solo.”

**Takodana.**

She felt a flash through the bond from his side. It was weak, yet somehow still firm, and it was an unfamiliar sensation that took a minute to recognize. _Love._

_Rey. I’m sorry. I’m ready now. I need you._

_I’m coming_ , she whispered across the bond, wiping the tears from her eyes and feeling a grin spread across her face. _I’m coming for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would be totally remiss if i didn't mention that the conversation regarding kylo carrying rey was inspired by [this comic](http://amysteriousconnection.tumblr.com/post/175704748510/story-by-soloreyben-and-illustration-by)
> 
> please, **please** leave me some comments below - the good, the bad and the weird. i will take anything i can get. 
> 
> or, feel free to come complain to me on tumblr - [obsessivepropulsive](https://obsessivepropulsive.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m not afraid to die,” he admitted, “If that’s what it takes to right the wrongs that have been done, that’s the price I’m willing to pay. I have no claim to this life. There is not future for me in it, no purpose for me to continue fighting for.”_
> 
> _As soon as the words left his lips, he realized them for the lie they were._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have decided that 2019 is the year i am going to write more, and actually finishing this is my first step. i have been pleasantly overwhelmed by the lovely, supportive comments that you all have left for me, and i am forever grateful for your patience while i get my shit together. 
> 
> i am also eternally grateful to [monsterleadmehome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterleadmehome/pseuds/monsterleadmehome) for reading over this for me and screaming nice things my way. 
> 
> also, i don't know how this happened, but this got _really_ angsty and bloody, _really_ fast. I PROMISE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE HAPPY. SO FREAKING HAPPY. maybe some smut? maybe maybe?

Rey was seething as she flew out of the hangar bay, nearly clipping an incoming X-wing in her careless haste. In her panic to make it to Ben, she had been forced to drop their connection through the bond. Now, speeding through the atmosphere of Yavin 4 and into the darkness of space beyond, she was struggling with reaching him again.

 _It’s because I can’t set aside enough focus to maintain the bond right now._ The thought reassured her, and it was only half a lie. In her desperate race to leave the base and get to Takodana, she had been unable to find Chewbacca. _Chewie_ **_and_ ** _the blasted Falcon_ , she reminded herself. Now she was stuck on this ancient Y-wing, with no room for a copilot to share the load. It had been the only ship she could manage to leave with.

Not that she had asked – her years of scavenging had some benefits. Not only was she more than adequately familiar with just about every model of ship in existence, she was also quite knowledgeable about their security systems, and the flaws in them as well. Leia was gone, and she wasn’t afraid of Poe. Stealing the ship was the easy part – maintaining her patience as she traveled halfway across the galaxy to Takodana would be the challenge.

As soon as she entered the atmosphere of the green planet, she felt the slight tug of Ben’s presence in the Force, guiding her down to what was left of the elaborate castle. In her focus she almost missed the familiar ship docked off to the side, shrouded in trees at the edge of the forest. _Why was the Falcon here?_

Distracted and confused, her landing was not graceful – she overshot the only stretch of grass not marred by debris, and almost ended up completely submerged in the nearby lake, to her slight amusement. The grin was quickly wiped from her face as she slid from the cockpit into the cold water of the lake. Wincing at the chill, she reached out to feel for him again, but was distraught to find his presence faltering.

 _Shouldn’t it be growing stronger? I’m getting closer!_ She felt panic begin to coil in her stomach. His rhythm was off. His presence was always strong and steady, whether it was in the dark as Kylo, or how she felt it flash in the light as Ben. Now, it seemed to burble and gasp, struggling and flailing wildly. It reminded her of some of the worse-off engines she had scavenged on Jakku. She would take them home, mend them patiently, encourage them along, trying to inspire that spark of life back into them. It rarely worked.

They usually died. _Died_.

She had to fight the urge to stop and empty her stomach as she ran up the stairs and through the barely-standing doors of the castle. She didn’t even stop to register the ruin around her, ignoring her wet boots as she slipped up the stairs that led to the room she had seen through the bond.

Maz was standing outside the door. Rey took one quick glance at her face and knew that the situation was beyond words. The old alien’s brows knotted, she closed her eyes slowly and nodded her head to the side slowly, gesturing through the doorway. A lone tear slowly trailed down the creases of each worn cheek. Rey paused long enough to dip her head in respect before throwing her body through the doorway.

The whole tortuous flight alone in that Y-wing, she had considered and rehearsed what she would say to Ben once she finally saw him. In the hours of thoughts, it never once occurred to her that those words might be completely lost on him. She immediately knew that no one who had lost this amount of blood could still be conscious. _How could it all possibly be his?_ A few steps closer gave her all of the proof she needed.

He had been badly beaten, with bruises and bloodstains covering his face and rendering him nearly unrecognizable. His lip was split, mottled purple rings already appearing around his swollen eyes. His nose didn’t appear broken, but the blood underneath it told a different story. Rey could already see at least one gaping blaster wound to the chest, as well as several large gashes covering the entirety of one leg. That paled in comparison to what her eyes settled on last of all. _Force, he’s missing a hand._

The sob that tore from her body was inhuman, and admittedly terrifying. Rey barely heard Maz gasp in response from the hallway as she began desperately piling bacta patches on his broken body. The tiny woman snatched her from her frantic motions, shaking her roughly by the shoulders.

“Child, it’s too late for this,” she scolded her. And then softer, and with promise tinting her voice, “But there **is** a way.”

It took every bit of strength the two of them had to haul his bulky frame up and onto Rey’s lap. Once his still-unconscious form was settled close to her chest and over her knees, she could no longer control herself. Ignoring the metallic tang of his skin and the tears running down her face, she bent in to press her lips to his cheek.

Maz rushed her along, ’There will plenty of time for that later, child. Close your eyes – search deeply for his echoes in the force. They are calling to you.”

Rey protested, “But what will I do, how will I know how to help him?”

“Rey. Once of Jakku, but a Jedi now. You are bound to this boy, I feel it as solid as I feel you before me. The force is many things, but cruel it is not. Search for his presence, and dwell on the future you saw with him. The happiness you both felt, the way the Force hummed in balance around you. Remind it why it brought you to him. And why it should bring him back to you.”

‘You want me…to…argue? With the Force?” Rey was trying desperately to mask the incredulous doubt running through her mind. She was failing miserably.

“Listen girl!” Rey had never seen Maz lose her patience before, but inherently knew she didn’t want to. “Do you want to save him or not?”

“I do,” she replied softly. “I can’t imagine a life without him now.”

“Then close your eyes,” she whispered, laying a wrinkled hand gently on her shoulder, “and fight to bring him back to this life.”

She already knew the red thread wouldn’t be there. Behind her closed eyes, she peered into the void, searching, reaching for the connection that escaped her. She felt his skin still beneath her fingers, still warm, but barely. In her desperation she shouted his name, reaching her hand out as she stepped into the near darkness.

Her shouts were brought to a sudden halt as she noticed a figure coming towards her from the shadows. She shook her head in confusion, an eerily reminder of the form she saw in the cave of Ahch-To springing to mind. As it approached, the realization dawned on her as she rushed forward.

_The impossibly broad shoulders. The almost uncomfortable rolling gait.  It was Ben!_

In her haste to reach him, she almost forgot Maz’s warning. Clutching him down to her level, she looked up into his eyes, swimming with sadness despite the shy smile he wore on his face. Noticing with relief he was uninjured in this place, she buried her face in his chest and inhaled his scent. _How could a scent be familiar if you had never smelled it before?_

Closing her eyes before he could even speak, she cleared her mind of doubt and worry, instead focusing on what she knew she needed to do. Tightening her grip on him, she pulled him somehow closer and allowed herself to become lost to the visions that had brought her such pain and such joy. Rey felt him gasp, his body going rigid under her fingers as the images flew through her.

_Slender, delicate hands grasping larger ones as they walked beneath the shade of the trees. His laugh echoing, loud and rolling, through their home as he pulled her closer in bed. Her belly, rounded and firm, pushed up against him as she stood on tiptoes to press a kiss to his bearded cheek._

At that last image, his arms reached out to encircle her, tightening around her in a crushing embrace, a sob ripping from his throat. _He can see it, too_ , she realized. “Please,” he whispered, and she dipped into her mind again, this time as much for him as for the Force.

At what point the lines began to blur, Rey wasn’t sure. It took her a moment, but she soon came to the curious realization that like her mind, Ben’s was open for her as well. But where hers was bursting with the future she so desperately needed, his seemed stubbornly stuck in the past. _I need you to help me_ she flashed through their bond, _the force needs to understand why we can’t be separated._

 _I know, love,_ he sent back. _What do you think I’m doing?_

Bewildered, she learned in, and was immediately consumed by blackness. The next thing she saw were durasteel walls and a control panel larger than she could imagine. _Am I on a First Order ship?_

“Sir,” one of the lieutenants said hesitantly, “The Supremacy is approaching the base. Should we refuel?”

_The Supremacy? But it was destroyed by…_

“No, that won’t be necessary.” She felt the voice within her rumble.

She looked down at two black-clad fists. “Yes, Supreme Leader,” the nervous man answered back.

 _Kriff, she thought. Ben’s brought me back to yesterday. I_ **_am_ ** _on the Supremacy. And this time, and for some blasted reason, I need to see it as him._

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Kylo Ren clenched his fists as he walked from the control room, quietly breathing a sigh of relief that Mitaka hadn’t questioned his command. It was obvious they only had a few hours left of fuel at an absolute maximum.

 _Was the man a complete fool, or is he just that terrified of me? Maybe both,_ he decided as he stalked the familiar path back to his quarters.

Once in the privacy of his own room, Kylo ran a nervous hand through his hair and glanced at the time on his holocron. _Just a few moments left to go._ He had briefly considered just running away, hopping in a TIE and making a run for it. Surely no one would question him – he would have quite a head start before they would realize what was happening. But as delightful as that sounded, he knew Hux, and he knew he would never stop. _Hunting him. Hunting Rey. Terrorizing the galaxy._

Funny, he hadn’t thought of it as terror before. Before his mother had died. But really, before Rey. The future Snoke had sold him was a fantasy and a lie, one that he was suddenly all too happy to have a hand in taking down. The plan was simple – the cost would not be.

It had to be done on board. There would be no escape craft to take him away, no co-pilot to rescue him. His sacrifice would bring Rey safety and peace. Perhaps the force would have mercy on him, and reunite them in their next life.

He was shaken from his thoughts by a brief chime. _Change of shifts. Time to move._

The control room was mostly empty as he entered, just as he expected it to be. He had the disk with the codes. He had insisted Maz program it herself.

He had planned it thoroughly and discretely, traveling to Takodana to give the instructions to Maz directly.

_“I need the transmissions to be immediate, Maz. First to the other main ships, triggering their self-destruct modes, then back to the Supremacy for the final blow”_

_“Ben Solo,” she warned, ignoring how he flinched at the name, “Where does that leave you time to escape?”_

_“Let me worry about that Maz.” The tiny woman nodded solemnly in response._

You could say a lot about Maz, but she was dependable. The virus loaded up immediately and began its work on the system. He was almost through the initiation sequence when he heard the clipped footsteps echo on the floor behind him.

_Hux._

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming, Ren.” The man’s tone was curt and cold – far too calm for what the situation required. “But I did expect you to have the Jedi girl with you. You needed her there to finally finish off that prick Snoke. I’m surprised you have the guts to try this without her by your side to hold your hand.” He sneered as he pulled the blaster out of his jacket. “Hand that disk over.”

Kylo had to stifle a chuckle. “I am the most powerful force user in the galaxy. You’ll need more than a kriffing blaster to intimidate me.”

He felt their presence at the outskirts of the room before he saw them. It had been years since he had seen his knights, sent off on fool’s errands by Snoke in an attempt to isolate and demoralize him. The warmth he had once felt in their signatures had faded – they were as good as strangers to him now, he realized with a twinge of fear.

“Lucky for me,” Hux drawled lazily, “the Knights of Ren no longer hold any loyalty to you. In fact, I found myself pleasantly surprised at how little it took to secure their cooperation.”

Kylo didn’t anticipate the fight would be easy, but he had severely underestimated how advanced his former allies had grown in their training. By the time he had worked his way through most of them, he was exhausted and a bloody mess. He was reminded terribly of a similar battle, but this time, instead of small and powerful figure tucked against his back, he just had his own fear and anger. It didn’t feel right. He felt…unbalanced.

His moment of distraction was interrupted by an eruption of pain in his breastbone. Steeling himself, he looked down to see the blaster hole in his tunic. Hux grinned triumphantly from the panel, already lowering the weapon to begin entering the override code.

“NO!” Kylo roared, throwing himself across the room, ignoring the stabbing pain in his chest and the widening ring of blood seeping from it. Hux raised from the control keys, keeping the blaster aimed directly at the approaching man. “You know, I always assumed it would be your mother that drove you back to the light for good,” the man mused.

“This isn’t about anyone but me,” Kylo spat back, realizing with sudden clarity just how true those words were. “I loved my mother. I love Rey. And I can’t allow myself to be complicit in this any longer.”

Hux was stronger than he recalled. Maybe it was the loss of blood, or just the exhaustion from killing his own knights, but Kylo found himself nearly overwhelmed by the bastard. “You’ll kill us both, you realize that, Ren?” Kylo heard a tremor of fear in the general’s voice. Behind him, the virus continued running. By this point, most of the secondary ships had already begun imploding. He only had a few moments left to stall him before the _Supremacy_ followed suit.

“I’m not afraid to die,” he admitted, “If that’s what it takes to right the wrongs that have been done, that’s the price I’m willing to pay. I have no claim to this life. There is not future for me in it, no purpose for me to continue fighting for.”

As soon as the words left his lips, he realized them for the lie they were.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then, somehow, her glimpse into the events on the ship blurred, for a moment, and to her confusion, Rey saw a vision of herself. Only, it wasn’t quite her. It certainly looked like her – the shape of her face, the length of her hair, the tilt of her nose. But her eyes were a deeper shade of brown, fringed by impossibly long lashes. Her smile was brilliant, her hair shone in the sunlight. Her arms were strong, and her freckles looked like…they were glowing?

 _This is how he sees me,_ she realized. _He is thinking of me as he faces death._

Suddenly, it all begins to move quickly, in flashes of pain and panic. Everything is rushed and muted, and it occurs to Rey that Ben is somehow protecting her, shielding her from the horror that was his last few minutes on the Supremacy. She sees the struggle, feels the panic well up in his chest and then harden into resolve as he realizes he needs to, he _has to,_ return to her. She screams as he cuts off his own hand, his only choice to contain Hux and escape the inferno that is growing beyond. She feels the shrapnel from an explosion tear through his leg as he desperately crawls through the hallway towards an escape pod. The entire time, her face is behind his eyes and the Force is singing around him.

Now she understands. _This vision is_ **_his_ ** _offering to the force. Not of the future, not what could be, but what was. What he was able to do, who he was able to be, when the force joined us._

Her thoughts are quickly cut short by the sudden appearance of a large, furry face peering into Ben’s.

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Chewie really didn’t know why he expected anything different. He had been with this family long enough to know that nothing they did fell short of dramatic. _Were they incapable of doing anything reasonably?_ He groaned to himself as he rushed down the durasteel corridors.

On any other day, the sight of the towering Wookie would have had every blaster on the Supremacy aimed at his head. But at this point, with alarms blaring and random explosions rocking the hallways, no one even gave him so much as a second glance. That suited him fine. Stormtrooper armor was slick, and it made separating arms from the bodies they were attached to even more difficult.

After overhearing Rey’s confession to Leia on the base – _no one ever remembered how well Wookies could hear_ – he had a feeling the boy would do something stupid. Not because Ben was stupid. Just the opposite – he had always been an unusually bright child. But he had too much of his father’s impulsive blood running through his veins.

The thought of his old friend still brought a slight twist to his stomach. A part of him wanted to leave the boy behind, let him die alone like his father had, but the Wookie knew he could never really do that. He couldn’t even shoot him properly on Starkiller, aiming for a blow to the side instead of taking his head clean off.

 _Kylo Ren might be a monster, but Ben Solo is still the boy that Han and Leia loved._ Maz had reminded him of that when she contacted him, warning him of Ben’s plans and begging him to do something. Chewie honestly had his doubts, but as he spotted the boy – _the man_ , he corrected himself – crawling pitifully down the hallway, he knew he was looking at Ben Solo for the first time in years.

Ben was unconscious again by the time Chewie made it down the hallway, which was beginning to sway precariously in response to the blasts. The limp body he picked up was decidedly heavier than the last time he had held it in his arms, but still no challenge for the Wookie. He nearly dropped him as he turned him over and saw just how bad-off he was. His angry Shyriiwook curses echoed down the hallway as he ran, rousing Ben into consciousness for a few precious seconds.

“Uncle Chewie,” Ben whispered, eyes unfocused in his delirium. “Is that you? Did you come for me?” Fur beginning to mat from the blood running down onto his arms, the creature nodded solemnly.

“I…I don’t deserve this,” Ben croaked, voice breaking as he looked away. “I have caused my family so much pain. I took my father from you, from my mother. Oh Force, how will I ever make you understand how sorry I am?”

“If I didn’t already know, I wouldn’t be here,” Chewie responded with a sudden unusual tenderness to the man clinging to him so desperately. “Leaving you to die does your father’s death no justice. You will do great things with the gift he has given you.”

At this, Ben began sobbing violently, the exertion causing him to lose blood, and as a result – consciousness, faster.

As Chewie boarded the _Falcon_ , setting it on a direct course to Takodana, he paused long enough to wipe some of the blood and tears from the quickly fading figure on the floor beside him, adding all of the bacta patches he had on the ship. Finding the one last clean cloth he had, he began wiping his fur down as well, first removing the blood from his arms, and then, the tears from his own eyes.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, thank you for being patient while i get my writing life together. 
> 
> please come yell at me on [tumblr](https://obsessivepropulsive.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/obsessivepro)!


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